How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less

Douglas E. Noll’s book De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less provides a step-by-step guide to managing conflict and defusing anger in tense situations. The book is grounded in neuroscience and communication techniques that help readers turn hostility into calm, productive conversations. Noll argues that traditional conflict resolution methods often fail because they do not address the underlying emotional needs of an angry person. Instead, he introduces a counterintuitive but highly effective method: affective labelling, or the practice of acknowledging and verbalising the emotions of the upset individual.

Noll explains that anger and conflict arise from a part of the brain called the limbic system, which controls emotions and survival instincts. When people are angry, they enter a fight-or-flight mode, making logical reasoning ineffective. The key to calming them down is engaging the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking. The best way to do this, according to Noll, is not to argue or offer solutions immediately but to help the angry person feel heard and understood.

One of the book's core techniques is affective labelling, which involves identifying and stating the emotions of the upset person. Instead of saying, “Calm down,” which is often counterproductive, Noll suggests statements like, “You seem really frustrated,” or “It sounds like you’re feeling disrespected.” By naming the emotions, the listener helps the speaker feel validated, which in turn reduces emotional intensity. Research in neuroscience shows that when emotions are labelled, brain activity shifts from the amygdala (responsible for emotional reactions) to the prefrontal cortex, leading to a decrease in anger.

Steps to De-Escalate Any Conflict in 90 Seconds

Noll outlines a simple yet effective process to de-escalate any heated interaction:

1. Ignore the Words, Listen to the Emotions – Instead of reacting to what the person is saying, focus on how they are feeling.
2. Affect Labelling – Verbalise their emotions without judgment, using statements like “You seem really upset about this.”
3. Stay Silent and Observe – Give them a moment to process your response. Often, they will naturally calm down.
4. Avoid Problem-Solving Immediately – People in an emotional state are not ready for solutions; they need validation first.
5. Stay Calm and Compassionate – Respond with patience and empathy, rather than defensiveness.

The techniques in De-Escalate are useful in various settings, including customer service, family disputes, workplace conflicts, and even law enforcement. Noll shares real-life examples of how affective labelling has successfully defused volatile situations, from irate customers to heated political debates.

Douglas E. Noll’s book provides a groundbreaking yet simple approach to conflict resolution. By focusing on emotions rather than words, practicing affective labelling, and remaining calm, individuals can effectively de-escalate tense situations in as little as 90 seconds. This book is an invaluable resource for anyone who interacts with difficult people—whether in personal relationships, business, or crisis situations.

The key takeaways from this book

Acknowledge Emotions, Not Words

• When dealing with an angry person, focus on their emotions rather than their words. People in distress often say things they don’t mean, so instead of reacting defensively, identify and validate their feelings.

Use Affective Labelling to Calm Someone Quickly

• The most effective way to de-escalate anger is through affective labelling—stating the emotions you observe in the other person (e.g., “You seem really frustrated”). This helps them feel understood, reducing emotional intensity and restoring rational thinking.

Silence is a Powerful Tool

• After labelling emotions, pause and let the person process. Silence allows them to calm down naturally, rather than escalating the conflict with unnecessary arguments or solutions.

Don’t Rush to Solve the Problem

• When people are upset, they are not ready for solutions. Attempting to fix the problem immediately can make them feel dismissed. First, acknowledge their feelings; once they are calm, they will be more receptive to logical problem-solving.

Stay Calm and Regulate Your Own Emotions

• De-escalation starts with self-control. If you remain calm, empathetic, and composed, you can influence the other person’s emotional state. If you react emotionally, you risk escalating the conflict further.